Numb
miss the goose bumps
clearer
making it, inevitably, more difficult

So removed
tears are needed
Am I still here?
So much more is uninteresting
all is too expected

When does it shift?

Does it shift?



“…it does not much matter what things are in themselves, but only what they are to us; and that the only real truth of them is their appearance to, or effect upon, us. From which position, with a hearty desire for mystification, and much egotism, selfishness, shallowness, and impertinence, a philosopher may easily go so far as to believe, and say, that everything in the world depends upon his seeing or thinking of it, and that nothing, therefore, exists, but what he sees or thinks of… be it observed that the word ' Blue' does not mean the sensation caused by a gentian on the human eye; but it means the power of producing that sensation; and this power is always there, in the thing, whether we are there to experience it or not, and would remain there though there were not left a man on the face of the earth. Precisely in the same way gunpowder has a power of exploding. It will not explode if you put no match to it. But it has always the power of so exploding, and is therefore called an explosive compound, which it very positively and assuredly is… the gentian and the sky are always verily blue, whatever philosophy may say to the contrary; and if you do not see them blue when you look at them, it is not their fault but yours.”

Stranger,
In passing
I thought of you

When we cross paths
this shall escape me
Yet,
in that fleeting moment,
there will be no ambivalence
A recollection;
It shall dawn upon me
with such intensity

the sun will set and rise at once
the moon will shine
the tide will move as does my heartbeat

within me
balance – for a fleeting moment

life will simply be

I shall remember you as a faint breeze

I imagine
those moments I cannot know
Those fleeting seconds
too far from my grasp

Torrid hours passing into airlessness

To enter her and think of me?

Oh, there must be more
and I cannot know any more

I wish not to know any more

Of this

Of all.

All that comes to mind
Are those certain
Elements
Lacking
At this moment
For a feeling of fulfilled
Satisfaction
The softness of the sheets
A soft wind enveloping my skin
Tender warm sunlight dancing beyond my resting eye lids
Salty thick ocean foam and warm sea water at my feet

Fading familiar melodies in the distance

The touch of stars

Sometime
music takes over
and
all there is to do is
Dance.
Like a shadow in the rain

{Elvis Crespo - Luna Llena}

It is a summer afternoon. The city slowly soaks in the stagnant heat of the sun – I try to be impassive. I am consciously aware of my lack of desire to face all that is to come. I step in a regular pace along the shimmering pavement.

To clarify: I stand by the firm belief that communication is impossible. This is the general case; it is, however, amplified in certain situations. Life simply does not cascade like a song – I am a great fan of illusions, but this appears to be too palpable.

Perhaps it is not the general case, but truly conversing with another, being fully understood – comprehending one another on a different level… has never occurred to me – nor will it ever happen. If it becomes eminent, I shall run from it. There is no reason for someone to be able to comprehend me to such an extent.

So he stands there, fingering yet another cigarette in his right hand. He seems unable to comprehend the rational beyond the purposeful glance– I hope he never realizes.

There is another. I can feel him taking me in – determining how to approach.

Both misread me – quite horribly. Perhaps it is all in my head – I may be much more transparent than I believe. I am unable to vocalize my thoughts and perhaps it is for the best.

A discussion ensues: approaching others with positive intentions guarantees a positive reciprocation. As the eternal cynic, I merely laugh at the idea.

I realize that it may be vital for me to change my mindset when approaching this game.

All that so positively built up to this has dissipated… There is no necessity for it to escalate – no need for that intimacy, it still remains from those other nights…

The descending sun, passing time…
A sporadic conversation, a cell phone rings. Spanish is spoken.
The methodology is to relax. Forgo thought; let life encompass, live, take pleasure in it all.

Another joins the group – we can now conveniently disappear for an indefinite amount of time.

The distraction of reality doesn’t help. Foolish behaviour and unjustifiable decisions. Slowly returning downward along the spiralling stairs – this time it has left me unaffected.

Enters the Russian; over a cold beer and harsh cigarettes, all types of men will bond. This specimen is in his early forties. He has a fading but evident accent and the manner of a man who has seen too much. Heavy involvement in the Russian black market and putting into practice a significant number of illegal operations in over forty countries across the world has not helped refine him. He happens to speak around seventeen languages, discusses woman in a particularly vulgar manner. He is here to gamble – to throw money and risk around. The poker game will begin shortly.

I fell I fear I shall forever be
chasing the adrenaline
Craving speed
Recklessness; the outlet
the temporary fix
a jolt
heart racing
so close
to everything
yet
unstable.
so far
the fear
I seek the fear
I wait and
Dream of the screams

Heightened urge to flee
Dreaming
of cool breezes
warm waters
Solitude.
Absolute desertion of it all
To welcome the loneliness
Unhindered
Unaffected
The long narrow peer
Warm breezes of the
Ocean sweeping past my
skin
Longing.
the peer and my thoughts
To be alone with
the moon
Reflections surfacing
along the tranquil waves
Depth flowing on
seemingly forever

Darkness
Night
and sea…

The inevitability of it was so clear.
To be proven wrong… just once
Never.

To maintain clarity
Refuse attachment
Separate oneself

Only myself
the stark nature of it all
Retain space
It is so vital in this life to
Remain cold. Distant. Self-contained

Israel, circumstances, the others and life

Often, I find it vital to remind myself that there is no need to unnecessarily ruin one’s nerves because life moves along as the skin on a zebra.
Presently, this self-induced message is resounding in my head.
There is also a song – my mother reminds me of it from time to time, when everything is difficult. It lacks a certain je ne sais quoi in English, but nevertheless, the makeshift translation is as follows:

In order for others to love you,
Love no one.
In order for others to fear you,
Fear no one.

When the glimmer of the positive is impossible to find, it is necessary to force it.

Drowning in the sea of this.
Weakened.
Irregular shapes dance along the wall
Red shadows encompass the space
cigarette smoke fading
The smell of you.
The touch.
Longing to stay – yet leaving soon
moments dripping.
flowing.
fading.
The game becomes exceedingly dangerous
I cannot let go of the thoughts
you are right – it is about the desire
It is about the wanting
and I want.
Still
Unable to mention the red elephant in my thoughts
More.
One minute
Ten minutes
One more
Once more
To stay
feel you breathing
I fear that I cannot – should not – succumb to this

{as I wait for the taxi
the sky grows into dawn}

A slow arduous process… presently, needing some rest…
It is not easy to lie to oneself, subconsciously, if you spend enough time with yourself, the echoes resonate and overpower.
Telling myself to slow down does not seem to help…
I don’t want to slow down.
I can easily say to myself that I should stop running – but I shall never go through with it. What scares me is that I have so expertly suppressed that which I seem to be running from, that I am unable to face it. It does not resonate…

I came across this; it induced some calm:

'Heat cannot be separated from fire, or beauty from The Eternal'
~Dante Alighieri